you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
