for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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