so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
