I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm at about main and main street
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
