I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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