You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
