Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
honey bunches of taint.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
