I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
