you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
