Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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