It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
if only i could text you this smell
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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