My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
