I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize