Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
