Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
