She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
