mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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