I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
