I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
