seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
