I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
worst night to have a conscience
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
