i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
