Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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