Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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