you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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