Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
