i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
