seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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