my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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