I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
