bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
