she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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