Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
