Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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