i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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