Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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