The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
