i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
