I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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