After last night, I could never be a politician.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
