I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
