so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
