Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
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