Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
