Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
