Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
My liver just had a heart attack.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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