literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
