my being single is dangerous.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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