she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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