apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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