I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize