I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Randomize
