he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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