Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
