oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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