I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
They took my balls.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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